It was a
dark and stormy night. I was safely, I thought, securely wrapped in the cocoon
of my warm blankets, ready for a long and comforting night’s sleep. Next thing
I knew I was somewhere between being fast asleep and waking. Or was I just
simply dreaming? You’ve been there, haven’t you?
Suddenly
there was a blinding flash of light reminding me of our ships six inch guns
firing during the war. I’m waiting for the retort of those huge guns. Waiting
to hear that explosive sound that would shake the ship and resonate all the way
into my chest. Still quiet. It’s probably just lightening, but where is the loud
thunderclap that always follows. No frightening explosive noise. No rumbling. Had
someone fired a gun at me? No pain as I would expect there to be and once again
no deafening noise. Maybe it’s the light at the end of the tunnel. No it can’t
because I don’t hear the roar of the train. Could be those awful bright car lights
that thoughtless people leave on even when they see me coming towards them on
that pitch black back road? Or was this the end, I mean the real end and I’m
seeing the light that everyone talks about that has died and come back to life?
I hear my
head saying it’s only a dream. Go back to sleep. But the light keeps getting
brighter and brighter. It’s as intense as a welder’s torch and I can’t turn it
off.
I finally see
the light! It’s the cartoon light bulb. It’s getting brighter and brighter! I’m
going to put the band back together. No, I can’t put something back together
that I never had. It must be, it must be, the on- going idea of writing the
Great American Novel. Wait, I tried that and have been editing my books for
literally years with no satisfactory outcome, meaning no published books. Oh that’s
right. Books don’t get published unless they are actually submitted for
publication. I see the problem here.
Writing
groups keep telling me that I use clichés and my plots and characters are the
ones people have used for centuries. I guess their feedback means even my plots
and characters must be clichés. Then they tell me to write what I know. Well
what I know comes from my life experiences and books I read. So my whole life
must be a cliché. So what was the caption in the Light Bulb?
Write the
Worst American Novel and millions will buy it just to see how bad it really is.
Can I do this with enough skill that the reader won’t realize it was all tongue
in cheek and how many clichés can I actually get into one novel? Sometimes it
just feels good to be silly! What’s the worst cliché, character or plot you
have ever experienced? Let me know and I’ll try to include it in my “Worst
American Novel”.